5 Steps to Fix Conflict in Any Relationship (Without Making It Worse)
By Jim McKenzie
Let’s be honest: conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Whether you’re married, dating, or navigating family dynamics, disagreements happen. But how you handle those moments? That’s the real game-changer.
Have you ever walked away from an argument thinking, “Wait… what was that even about?” You both "moved on" but things still feel tense—maybe it’s the chilly silence, maybe it’s the passive-aggressive cleaning spree—but deep down, something still doesn’t feel right.
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Most couples don’t struggle with having conflict—they struggle with repairing it. In fact, research shows that unresolved conflict can erode trust, intimacy, and emotional safety over time. But here’s the good news: conflict, handled the right way, can actually make your relationship stronger.
Here are five research-backed steps to handle conflict like a pro—without making things worse.
Step 1: Get Honest About What You’re Feeling (Before Reacting)
Emotions are messy. And when you’re hurt or frustrated, it’s easy to lash out before you’ve even named what’s really going on. One of the most powerful things you can do in a heated moment is pause and ask yourself:
Am I angry… or am I hurt?
Do I feel unheard? Unsupported? Overwhelmed?
Is this about this moment… or something deeper?
Instead of launching into accusations like “You never listen to me,” try shifting to a statement like:
👉 “I felt dismissed when you walked away while I was talking.”
That small shift—from blame to vulnerability—opens the door to understanding rather than defensiveness.
Try This Tool: HALT
The Gottman Institute teaches the HALT method to avoid fights when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. Sometimes the best thing you can do is eat a snack and revisit the conversation when you’re calm and clear-headed.
Step 2: Don’t Try to Win—Try to Understand
If you treat every disagreement like a courtroom drama, where you build a case and cross-examine your partner... guess what? You’re both going to lose.
The goal of conflict isn’t to “win.” It’s to understand.
Try saying:
“Help me understand what you were feeling in that moment.”
“I want to hear your side, even if I don’t agree yet.”
Couples who practice active listening—where you reflect back what your partner said before responding—report significantly higher relationship satisfaction. It turns out that being heard matters even more than being agreed with.
Step 3: Identify Your Triggers (So They Don’t Control You)
Have you noticed how the same arguments come up again and again? That’s not coincidence—it’s unhealed triggers at work.
Maybe you react strongly when your partner interrupts, because growing up, your voice didn’t feel valued. Or maybe raised voices send you into shutdown mode because they remind you of past trauma.
When you can name your trigger, you stop reacting on autopilot—and start responding with awareness.
Ask yourself:
What’s this really about?
Where have I felt this before?
What do I need to feel safe in this moment?
Once you understand your triggers, you can talk about them—not just react to them.
Step 4: Own Your Part (Even If It’s Just 10%)
Let’s say your partner was definitely 80% in the wrong. That still leaves your 20%.
Maybe you shut down instead of speaking up. Maybe your tone was more biting than you intended. Maybe you brought frustration from work into the conversation.
Whatever it is, owning your piece changes the energy completely.
Instead of: ❌ “I only said that because you were being impossible.”
Try: ✅ “I got defensive, and I shouldn’t have. I want to try again.”
This small step is disarming. It invites collaboration rather than more conflict—and models what accountability looks like.
Step 5: Make a Repair—Don’t Skip This Step
Ever had a fight, called a truce, but still felt disconnected? That’s because you skipped the repair step.
Repairing after conflict is essential. It’s what helps both partners emotionally reset and reconnect.
A few ways to repair:
“I love you. We’re going to be okay.”
A long hug or a shared laugh
Making plans to do something enjoyable together later
Dr. John Gottman found that couples who successfully repair after conflict are far more likely to stay together. It’s not about avoiding conflict -it’s about learning to bounce back from it.
Client Story: How Mike and Jana Turned Things Around
Mike and Jana were stuck in a cycle of explosive fights followed by cold silences. When they came to me, they both admitted: “We don’t know how to come back from arguments. We just sweep it under the rug.”
We worked on three key things:
Naming their emotional triggers
Practicing repair rituals after fights
Building a daily habit of checking in emotionally—before things got tense
Within weeks, they reported fewer fights—and when they did argue, they knew how to reconnect without damage.
Their key insight? Conflict was never the enemy. Avoiding vulnerability was.
Bonus: These Skills Work at Work, Too
Let’s take a quick detour. Everything we’ve talked about here? It doesn’t just apply to romantic partners.
These tools work just as well with coworkers, managers, or clients:
Naming what you feel instead of blaming
Listening to understand, not respond
Taking ownership instead of finger-pointing
Strong communication is the foundation of every successful relationship—romantic or professional.
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Let’s Wrap It Up: Conflict Doesn’t Have to Break You
If you’re tired of walking on eggshells, feeling like you never resolve anything, or dreading the next blow-up—take heart.
These 5 steps can transform the way you handle conflict:
Get honest about your feelings
Seek to understand, not to win
Recognize your triggers
Take responsibility for your part
Make intentional repair moves
And remember: this isn’t about being perfect. It’s about progress. It’s about creating emotional safety and showing your partner (or coworker, or child, or friend) that you care more about the connection than being “right.”
Your Next Steps:
✅ Watch the full video breakdown on YouTube
✅ Comment below: What’s a common conflict trigger in your relationship?
✅ Share this post with someone who could use better conflict resolution skills
You’ve got this. And I’m here to help.
By Jim McKenzie
Relationship Coach | Communication Strategist | Dad of 7
RelationshipsRebuilt.com